The Adolescent Angels' House of Luxury: Candy's Story

[Saint]

Would you give up your dignity?

In a world similar to our own geographically, but vastly different morally, Candy, a 14 year old girl, knows nothing but prostitution.  Candy is treated like dirt, and fucked over by everyone she meets (Often literally).  As a new millenium draws in though, and people (though very few people) start to see sense, Candy's life is to be thrown on it's head when a group of revolutionaries break into the 'Adolescent Angels' House of Luxury' pre-brothel she's working at.  New clothes, new outlook, and a new life await her, but even given a decent purpose in life, Candy can't help but fall back on what it is she's good at.

Prologue - Crumble
Chapter 1 - Uri Carter [Part 1]
Chapter 1 - Uri Carter [Part 2]

[BlackCat]

It's almost like that other movie, about a girl from off the streets, and a guy gives her a life and then without her knowing it makes her a silent partner in his three businesses and then she eventaully finds out after he treid smartening her up and beating her she makes a come back falling in love with the guy that actaully taught her to smarten up and then she stole the papers with her name on it showing she is the owner of the businesses and then she threatens the cruel man that she is going to leave, and she is only going to give one business a year. Eventaully having a happy ending in her story.  

[Saint]

No... No, it's nothing like that at all.

[Chinaren]

I'm looking forward to the filth story Saint.  I'll be interested to see how you manage this one.

[Chinaren]

Oh, and preteen is not correct here, if the protagonist is thirteen.  She'd have to be twelve to be preteen!

[Saint]

Hmm, what word would I use here then, to mean young teen? (12-16ish)

[Panda-Brain]

Hm, sounds good tbh
Would like to see how this story goes

'Adolescence'?
I dunno =P
Have you tried a thesaurus and the word 'teen'?

[Saint]

Hmm.  The Adolescent Angels' house of luxury?
Minor Minxes'?
Princesses of Adolescence?
Puerile Princesses'?

May put this to poll.
EDIT: Done.  Poll will run for seven days.  Until then, it shall be referred to as the Preteen Princesses' house of luxury.

[BlackCat]

Puerile Minor Minxes's Casbah?

[Saint]

Too crowded.

[Chinaren]

Mmm, well the second one was probably the closest to good, but they all seem a bit unwieldy, so I voted for the current one and made it a four way tie.    Even if it is inaccurate. 

[Phang]

Peurile? *snrk* Guess who just fell prey to Thesaurus Reliance Syndrome!

[Saint]

Prologue is finished and shall be posted shortly.

[Chinaren]

I'm looking forward to it!  But please don't call me Shortly.

[Angel]

Have voted.
Should be interesting to see how ya do this one.

[Saint]

[Temporarily removed]

[Chinaren]

   Yay! 

A good first effort Saint!  I enjoyed.  A nice gentle introduction before we get to the kinky stuff. 

One thing from a technical point of view:

painted black shabbily, with

This doesn't sound right, also you repeat shabby just below. 

I don't like Apple Crumble, but in this case I'd probably make an exception.   

[Panda-Brain]

Off-Topic:

Ah, C'ren. Always the pervert

Good work Saint!
I agree with C'ren on that line. Maybe try rephrasing it?
By chance, when was this set? Going by '350 gold' and the hand-painted sign above the door, I'm going to presume a while ago?

[Saint]

Aye.  It's in a separate world, around their equivalent of our 19th Century.

[ashkent]

And that only gets 4 stars? 

A good scene setter. I have to say as well that I've worked with an escort recently - why do I feel that should be rephrased in a way that doesn't use "i've" "worked" and "escort" in the same sentence??

Start again... I have a female friend who has worked as an escort and I she's helped me get an idea of the type of people she has had as clients (surprisingly very ordinary people all with a reason or story behind why they visit her) as well as a feel - so to speak - of why different girls do escorting for a story I've had on the burner for a while now. One of her descriptions was very close to this from both the client and escort POV - just without the involvement of the crumble

[Panda-Brain]

Ah, i thought as much. Good effect I say! =D

[Phang]

All very well, but I don't think there ever was a time when 'Gold' was a currency. It has connotations of high fantasy, which I think jars with the overall intended setting.

[Saint]

Couldn't be bothered to think of another currency, if I'm honest.

[Saint]

New chapter to come very shortly.  In the meantime, Adolescent Angels won the poll, so the name has been changed.  And get your thinking hats on, 'cause you get an SP! =D

[Panda-Brain]

So adolescent wasn't a stupid suggestion after all!
Quite chuffed at that tbh x)

And;

Google Tagged; mms

Wth?!

[Saint]

No ideas how it managed that; the only instance of it on the page is the the googletag itself...

[Panda-Brain]

Hahaha, oh dear

[Saint]

Just to let you know, this is finished, and has been for a while, I'm just typo-checking.

[Angel]

let's see it then

[Saint]

Poke Pho, she's the one typo checking it.