This was the leaving email sent by a colleague of mind when he left his job yesterday. He was the kind of guy who would reduce people to tears without any effort, and also had an odd obsession with bringing aids into any conversation, usually preceded by the line "could be worse, you could have..."
Although no one here knows him, neither did many of the people he sent it to as he worked in a small area of the business that did not involve interaction with many of the other workers in the company.
Unedited, and in all its glory, I give you Ricky.
Dear Co-Workers,
As some of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day”.
“WHO’S RICKY CLUCAS?” I hear you cry. Well, Ricky Clucas is a complex individual, not unlike an onion, in terms of layers, peeling, and the fact that if you cut him with a knife, someone's going to end up crying. He likes irony, The Office, music, talking like gangsta (see irony), alignment and dislikes damp socks, blisters, and finding himself referring to himself in the third person.
My time with HP has been something of a mixed bag. The high point would definitely be the time I found £5 near the vending machines. That was such a good day. If the person who dropped it is reading this then I'd like you to know that I didn't just waste it. I bought a Subway sandwich (Steak, 6 inch), a Solero (exotic fruits) and I used to the rest to go halves on a dirty magazine with my friend. It was Razzle, if I recall correctly. I’d rather have donated the money to charity but my friend said he likes to read the articles in Razzle. I know for certain, however, he was looking at the nips and bush.
I had many low points and pretty much all of them involved urine on a toilet seat. Honestly, if any of you reading this have ever urinated on a toilet seat during my time here then you are scum. Sub-human scum. There's genuinely no excuse for it. Either you did it by accident thus making you a moron or you did it on purpose thus making you an absolute failure of a human being. It genuinely upsets me that I’ve got to share oxygen with you.
Another low point was having the lights turned off on me while having a number 2. That may seem funny now but at the time I was terrified. I couldn't even use the light on my phone because I always adhere to HP policy. At least I got to experience what life must be like for Stevie Wonder. I do have other low points that don't involve the toilet but it would seem churlish to mention them.
To most of my colleagues: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: as a complete stranger. There are, of course, a collection of people who made my time here much easier to handle. You all know who you are and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who may soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself……JOKE!!!!
I guess that's it really, don't be disheartened though, you guys. A friendship is for life, not just for Christmas. All that's left to say is that I love you all in a way.
Xxxx
P.s. I thought I’d finish with a few personalised farewells:
Jonny Mac – I’m going to miss detecting your flatulence almost as much as you'll miss delivering it. Best of wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularise “email forwards”. I sincerely hope you finally receive that weekend full of good luck and/or that hug from an old friend.
Ian Cock – Not many of you will know this but there's a man working for the bank called Ian Cock. Make of that what you will.
Peter – Enjoy your many, many holidays to come (do you actually have any work time planned the rest of this year?).
Andy H – If you need some time off and you've run out of family members to bump, just do what I did and say you've got a chest infection.
Greg – Don't forget that action(s) from your meetings. I know they are plentiful and stop just short of getting you to castrate yourself and produce your testicles on a plate for everyone to chew over.
New girl on Complaints/Compliance/General area around Greg – You probably don't know me and I've no idea what your name is but I genuinely love you. I hope that's ok.
Kaye – Keep up the equality and diversity with your beloved pakis, huns and whities. Always make sure you keep one step ahead of the PC police or they'll have you under the Alf Garnet clause.
Lisa – You're the best looking boss I've ever worked for. You're also the first female I've ever worked for which puts you ahead in the looks department even if you were a right munter.
Kellys Services – It's been one hell of a ride these past two years, if you mess up my last pay I will hunt you down like a rabid dog.
Mandy Wright – You were right – I tested positive. We'll talk later.
